Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 7: Captain Qwark Vs Hercule Satan
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: Two phony "heroes" clash to determine who is closer to actually deserving their in-setting fame. See and support the video here: /watch?v V4pHFq8MzXo


**VIDEO HERE: watch?v=V4pHFq8MzXo  
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**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

**CAPTAIN QWARK…**

**…VS…**

**…HERCULE SATAN!**

**BEGIN!**

**Captain Qwark:**

I'm a part–time scoundrel, part–time president, part–time superhero,

Here to throw a Skrunchy monkey wrench in your galaxy–sized ego.

This match should be re–labelled as an "Epic Rap _Slaughter_".

Strongest man in the world? Yeah, right! You're outmatched by your own daughter.

You can take _all_ of your boasting and shove it up your hairy arsenal.

I'm only _somewhat_ of a fraud, while all your "feats" are _entirely_farcical!

The only real fight you'll ever win was in _Fusion Reborn_.

A movie star? The only films you're worthy of working in are porn!

You deceive the world into worshipping you… and your name is_Satan_!

…Do I even need to explain? The implications are blatant.

Your situation is precarious; my means of beating you are various,

While you couldn't beat me with the help of Dr. Nefarious!

I've got tons of massive guns, and not one of them is on "stun".

They aren't on "kill", either: I've set these things to "Rip You a New One"!

Not to mention my nifty Razor Claws and badass–looking lantern jaw.

Let me just put it this way: Hercule, you're weaker than Yamcha!

**Hercule Satan:**

Listen here, "Steve": I'll mess you up worse than any Crotchitizer.

Even when Earth is destroyed, I'm a _full–time_ survivor!

Made sure Cell was sent to Hell; tamed the monster Majin Buu.

…Well, at least I did all that from a certain point of view.

I'm resourceful; know when to fold 'em. You don't play with a full deck.

I have a good heart, but you work with heartless monsters like Drek!

"Somewhat" of a fraud? You're less heroic than Macbeth,

And that's why I'm about to make you walk your own "Path of Death".

You've proven yourself weak and wicked time and time again;

I've seen more honorable space–adventuring from Zapp Brannigan!

Question my name if you want, but don't forget this little item:

You're named after a particle that's smaller than an atom!

The whole galaxy knows you're a Qwark–tactic disgrace.

I'm still remembered as the pinnacle of the whole human race!

My legacy is intact, but as for yours, you've utterly soiled it!

You're all washed up! You oughta leave; just take the nearest toilet.

**Captain Qwark:**

Listen here, and listen good, you deadweight, Deadmeat dolt:

Unlike a certain android, I wouldn't throw this for 6,000,000,000 bolts.

Yes, I've done some stupid shit before, but now, I'm Ratchet's ally.

Even now, you waste time gloating when you could be learning to fly!

Yeah, that's the way your Dragon World works, you simpleton:

You _could_ make yourself more powerful, if you only had the discipline!

You're alone in your weakness… alone… alone… alone!

You like tournament fighting? Well then, 'll sign you up for DreadZone!

I'll shuttle you to Oozla and leave you there in the swamp, sinking.

On your even trying to fight me: what the Videl were you thinking?

Oh, and by the way: if you try to call for help from that bitch,

I'll put my foot down on her face and crush her like Spopovich!

**Hercule Satan:**

In a ridiculous world, I'm a _realistic_ fighting man.

I may seem weak in context, but I'm really on par with Jackie Chan!

I can see past all of your tricks. You like to stretch your own dick!

You're a hick, thick, dumb–as–a–brick ripoff of the Tick!

You pedal hygiene devices that make people sick!

I've got the Eyes of the Lion, and a Dynamite Kick,

Which I'm about ready to Launch right into your Dragon Testicles.

This will be your biggest shaming since the Protopet debacle!

Go ahead: just you _try_ to hurt my little girl, you twat;

We'll see what her freaky boyfriend has to say about that.

I'm the lovable, hilarious, helpful King of Dreamers.

You're nothing but a damned, dirty, coward douchebag schemer!

Keep your advice to yourself, because you don't know Jak.

I don't need those weirdos' magic to fly; I've got my trusty jetpack!

Let me close with the wisdom of another, smarter "Copernicus":

Things revolve around the sun, not you, though, clearly, you were oblivious!

**WHO WON?**

**WHO'S NEXT?**

**I DECIDE!**

**MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**


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